Super Bore

The last Super Bowl I watched was in 1985: the Niners and the Dolphins. I don’t remember who won. I do remember that I had never watched an entire football game before and it was rather exciting. I watched with my dad, whom I would not call a football fan, but I remember he was excited too, sometimes to the point of shouting at the screen. I have never watched since, until last Sunday. The Raiders were playing, I thought maybe I would watch some of it again, for old times’ sake. And because, obviously, as a media monitor it’s my duty to investigate these things.

Full disclosure: for some reason, I had smoked some pot and was high during much of the game. Thus I had several great soul-shocking epiphanies about the nature and future of the sport which unfortunately in the sober light of the next day I don’t quite recall in toto. However, I did take some notes on the more important aspects. So here we go – my Super Bowl-inspired observations.

“Soccer fans are just so much more attractive!”

I’m not sure if it’s some horrible repressed Europhile streak in me, but soccer just seems cooler, from every angle. There are many fine examples of impressive male physique out there on the football field, particularly among the runners; but as a team, soccer players look better. Their proportions are nicer, not as exaggerated, and it’s (usually) a plus to be able to see their hair. In Japan, David Beckman’s gorgeous face is plastered all up and down Tokyo, as the spokesman for mobile service, for clothing, for chocolate, for energy drink, you name it. He’s a superstar. I just can’t see the same attention given to, say, Rich Gannon. It’s not just a pure attractiveness issue, it’s also an attitude. Soccer is sexier.

My Most Brilliant Idea Ever

This is an idea I had under the influence of the weed which actually stood up to next day’s scrutiny: a football RPG. Why oh why hasn’t this been done yet? This was a brilliant epiphany I had in the second quarter, which I am freely sharing because I just want someone to make this game so I can play it. Think of it: a football RPG. Need I say more? You can sketch it out yourself, it comes so naturally, it seems so obvious an extension of sports games and rpgs.

You start off as a college recruit. Opening cut scene: the NCAA winning touchdown, your senior year. The crowd goes wild. Shortly thereafter, you get recruited; you will have some choice over which team to go with, but a lot will also depend on your character creation (you pick your own starting stats). You will have to play games, but also build relationships with your teammates, manage your health and happiness and drug use (if any), pick your celebrity endorsements carefully, do some PR for the fans and the press. In between, you’d play NFL 2002 type games made so successfully a franchise by EA. I would so play this game. Final Fantasy Football. Oh, yeah!

Making the Team

Okay, so the XFL tanked. It clearly wasn’t extreme enough. What we need is true grit, true dirt, a really real reality program around the mucky sweaty business of professional sports. I am talking about helmet cams, locker cams, mics on all players, on referees, on coaches. I am talking about taking you right into the game, into the green, into the dirt. I am talking about the next hit Fox show. I am talking about Making the Team – a real-life drama that takes the viewer into the intense world of professional sports, from recruitment to retirement. Would you watch this show?

13-3, Bucs: “Things are looking bad for peace on the streets tonight.”

I don’t quite understand the rioting that follows a Super Bowl game, especially in the losing city. “We lost! Let’s burn down our hometown!” Yeah, that’ll teach those loser ball players. But I have to get over this idea that rioting has any rationality behind it – in fact it is the embodiment of total irrationality, of Id gone wild. Something about the collective experience of watching sports, then expressing violence, is exhilarating and irresistible. I think I understand this, when I think about times I’ve not risen during the playing of the National Anthem at a sports event because there’s such enormous psychological pressure to stand. It’s an interesting experiment – try it some day, you’ll see what I mean. But still – trashing your hometown out of some outraged pride over the loss of face of the home team? Can someone explain this to me?

Beer, Drugs, Soda, Beer

And finally, a word about the real reason to watch the Super Bowl: advertising.

Bob Garfield does a great pithy and sassy rundown of the crop of this year’s Super Bowl ads. I mostly agree with his assessments. For me the Pepsi Twist starring the Osbournes was a great idea that got off to an awkward start. It’s not clear why the kids are showing their dad that their Pepsis are actually Pepsi Twists (and why is it that the girl always has to hold the Diet?). There’s no logic to the beginning of the ad, so the narrative is not as strong as it could have been. Also, I disagree with him that the Reebok ad featuring Terry Tate lacked relevancy to the product. I thought the ad was hilarious, edgy, and right in line with the slightly off-kilter Reebok brand story. Reebok is way more than about sneakers, and Garfield should know that.

My personal favorite ad for pure aesthetics was Levi’s “Stampede”: beautiful, surreal, and with a “how did they do that?” quality that rivals the best fantasy films. I would buy those jeans.

The anti-drug ads, focusing on marijuana use, were a bit of a surprise, and Garfield correctly points out that their ham-handed message-making is sure to annoy teens and confuse parents. Plus, running such downers in the context of the highly competitive excitement around the Super Bowl is too much a disjunction – viewers can’t shift gears like that, nor do they care to. Not to mention the fact that few viewers will fail to note the irony of anti-drug ads right up against multiple beer ads – talk about impaired judgment!

You can watch the ads and judge for yourself, if you haven't already.

In Conclusion

The Super Bowl was a show of many contrasts. I didn’t see how it ended (had a birthday party to go to.) And, I learned that watching sports while stoned is not as fun as it might sound at first. But, the football rpg is a game that MUST be made. Thank you.