game girl advance: An Open Letter to My PC

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March 09, 2006

An Open Letter to My PC

Dear PC,

NVIDIA has released a couple new cards; one of which, at first caress, seems a decent value. $300-$350 to do the latest whiz-bang shit ain't too bad. I wish your species were longer-lived and your innards a bit more resistant to the ravages of time, but the higher powers have deemed thee as such and as such I choose to love thee. You're two years old now, and while you've been loyal and doggedly refused to let age and failing fans conquer your determination to keep on gamin', it's time for a little corrective surgery to hold off the effects of aging.

I know you need this new card, and as such will need a new motherboard because yours is not PCI-express. Would you like that? I think I know you well enough by now to say confidently that you would. That will of course necessitate new RAM--you've made that clear to me in the past. And yes, I know your processor will not work with the new you, either, so what else can I do but provide? I also know you will ask about your power supply, so let me just head off that discussion right now and tell you that I would make certain you have enough juice to remain hydrated.

Thus, your $300 upgrade is at around $1200. That feel about right, PC? Will that keep you satisfied for another year--maybe two? . . . you know, that's a helluva lot of burritos just to play Oblivion with my preferred RPG control scheme. Yes, I could go out right now and sell my organs (which have to last me decades, mind you) to upgrade yours. I could bask in your high-resolution bliss and mouse-look for just that much longer. Yes, I could do that. You want me to do it, don't you? You need me to, don't you?

Well you know what, PC? Fuck you. I mean, I love you, but seriously--fuck you. I'm done with your gold-diggin', 3D-positional-audio-that-has-never-fucking-worked-right, masochistic insecurities. I've had it up to here with you using my benjamins to wipe your ass and throwing parties with my credit card. Parties, mind you, to which you have never invited me! You have to have so many anti-infection shits running that you act like a schizophrenic hypochondriac on acid and yet somehow still manage to contract more diseases than Bangkok hooker. And if I hear you complain even one more time about "update this" and "update that" I fear I may jump off a tall structure just to make it stop. So, in the interests of preserving my finances--nay! my very life, I am officially cutting you off.

I've got my 360 and my 360 loves me as much as I love it. Call me superficial, but it's prettier, faster, and smarter than you would be even after that $1200 of "necessities," as you call them. From now on my new toys are only for drives not belonging to you. Don't blame me, you did this to yourself.

Sincerely,
-Matt

Posted by matt at March 09, 2006 11:49 AM | TrackBack

Comments

P.S. - While the 360 takes care of the gaming, our Macs take care of the rest.

R.I.P., you antiquated, undesirable device.

R.I.F.P.

Posted by: ryan

on March 9, 2006 12:00 PM

P.P.S. - Steam still rocks, tho.

Posted by: ryan

on March 9, 2006 12:01 PM

All true and good, but 'till the day the 360 (or other killer ap) can do my taxes, scan my storyboards, let me IM with friends on one monitor while I play a game on the other monitor, allow me to generate virtual art which is indistinguishable from my traditional art, surf the net at a resolution higher than my TV can handle (again, while I'm playing a game in the other window), multitask, handle a true keyboard and mouse, let me work from home, and get my email, you'll have to pry my PC from my cold dead hands.

Posted by: bowler

on March 9, 2006 12:46 PM

well, yeah, agreed :) this was a lament for gaming, specifically. the economics are no longer viable for me to continue overhauling my pc for gaming reasons. it's a simple question of getting the latest and greatest with $400 or $1200 (plus tax). it's going to take an incredible series of pc-exclusive games (or a winning lotto number) for me to even think about buying another pc to game on.

Posted by: matt

on March 9, 2006 01:45 PM

Welcome to the future, Matt! We're glad to have you with us.

The sad fact is that PC gaming has been creatively moribund for many years, anyway. So you won't be missing much. And let's not even talk about copy protection: it's like the people making the games said "Oh, we don't need money from people who travel with laptops. Let's throw away the one real advantage we actually have."

If you change your mind about upgrading your computer, I've written a helpful step by step tutorial. Enjoy.

Posted by: peterb

on March 9, 2006 02:03 PM

And here we arrive at why the computer I have is fundamentally the same one I had five years ago.

I've had that exact conversation a few times, most recently about a year and a half ago for what is probably the final time: I realized that there are practically no interesting games on the PC anyway, so what's the point?

Posted by: Westacular

on March 9, 2006 07:38 PM

ha! thanks peterb :). i'd agree that the PC in general needs to step out of the usual gaming design <buzzword>paradigms</buzzword> if it's going to be a viable player in the future, and though i'm no industry expert, my mediocre observational skills tell me that the indy market may be it. i have high hopes for digital distribution and things like steam--i really hope they become the distribution models for the unique and the "risqué." like spector said, gaming is "missing a sundance." more than any of the other platforms, by the nature of its open architecture, the pc has the potential to be the sundance or cannes of gaming. if that actually happens, it would probably persuade me to once again dump entirely too much money in a too-soon-obsolete platform.

Posted by: matt

on March 10, 2006 09:18 AM

Consoles are so much simpler. Just put a game in and press play.

Funny thing, we need computers to make games, so I ask you this: Are we slowly becoming slaves to computers?

Perhaps the idea of the Terminator is actually prooving true. Not so much in a physical blast you with a machine gun but on a more suttle level. As to the point we become so dependent on computers one day a switch gets flipped and we are enslaved.

Y2K, just look how people panicked when that happened...

Posted by: undercoverrabbit

on March 14, 2006 12:48 PM